How to care for a colleague taking bereavement leave
Just after I started a new job relatively early in my career, my grandfather passed away at the age of 92. I am so lucky to have had him in my life for a long, long time. But it never matters how much time we have been gifted with our loved ones because it's never enough. And it truly was a gift to be his granddaughter for 28 years. I took the maximum amount of time allotted in the bereavement leave policy of my new job, about a month after I had accepted the offer and 2 weeks after starting work.
I felt very lucky that I was able to take three days of bereavement leave to be with my family and celebrate my grandpa's life. Now, with more hindsight, more life experience, more work experience, and seeing the full spectrum of work that needs to happen after a loved one passes, I think more time off should be afforded (and that the length of time off shouldn’t depend on the proximity of your relationship).
I originally wrote this list after returning to work a week later because I couldn’t imagine not having that option and was struck by the kindness of my friends and new colleagues who had only known me for a little while.
Some tips for caring for a colleague taking bereavement leave
Send flowers or a card. My work friends (who have become real friend friends) sent a beautiful arrangement of flowers for the visitation. I didn't expect it at all, but it was a comfort knowing that my friends in all arenas of my life were thinking about me and my family.
Acknowledge that your co-worker needed to take bereavement leave. Losing a family member is a big deal and brings on many emotions. When I returned to work, I was still feeling fragile and emotional, and it made me feel seen when a senior staff member mentioned to me that she knew I had a death in the family and needed to take some time off. It wasn’t a huge gesture, but it was enough to affirm that I wasn’t just a worker bee. If I were writing a quick note to a colleague, I’d say this: “I’m sending you my condolences and have been thinking about you and your family. I’m really glad you were able to take some time away from work. If there is anything I can do to make your transition back to work smoother, I trust you’ll reach out.”
Offer to spend some time with your colleague. The morning I was back at work, a co-worker sent me this message: "Becky -- I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your grandparent. As you are comfortable, I'd like to take you out to coffee at some point to hear about them, if you're comfortable sharing any stories or memories.” It was genuine, kind, and left room for me to decline if I needed to. Don’t push it, but make it happen if your colleague accepts. This is one of the most genuine memories I have from my time working in this office.
Be a follower. Your colleague may be feeling like they need to overcompensate for taking time off at best. At worst, they may feel guilt. Allow your colleague to set the pace of their work. Adjust deadlines if needed. Tap in other team members to assist with major projects. Your job is to assure them that their needs are valid, that we all go through these times, and to follow their lead on how to proceed. They may also want to get back to business as usual, which should also be respected.
Take all of the bereavement leave when you need it. We’re all going to need it during our work lifetimes and probably at multiple times. In fact, I needed to take bereavement leave at least five times in five years. Resist the urge to take fewer days. Take the full amount of leave because by doing so, you are reinforcing the need to management for the policy. The office doesn’t need you. Your family does. You also likely need the time off to deal with the emotions and frankly, administrative work that follows when a close family member dies.
At the core of all of this is that I was able to take leave. I didn’t lose pay or have to worry about bills while I took time away from work to be with my family. I could disconnect from work. Many workers are not so lucky, either because their workplace doesn't have a policy or something about their workplace culture makes them feel that they cannot make use of it if they do. Strengthen your bereavement leave policy -- or put one in place to begin with -- and create an environment that allows people to take time away from work when a loved one passes.
Is your leave policy comprehensive and does it cover a broad definition of family, for an ample amount of time? Does your office culture allow people to take the leave they need, when they need it? Does your team extend kindness, flexibility, and understanding when they return to work?
Bereavement leave is something we all will need at some point in our lives. It’s not just about being able to come back more ready to fulfill our duties at work, either. It’s recognizing that people don’t work in a vacuum. Family life doesn’t stop when we enter the office. We need to be able to bring our full selves to work, and sometimes, that includes our grief.
